One of my coaching clients shared her story with me. She is lawyer and mother of two, and yet she was struggling with limiting beliefs in her everyday life:
“I never worked a single day in my life until I was 27 years old. I didn’t have to, I got everything. My parents loved me to the moon and back and did everything for me. They cleaned my room, prepared my food, bought me everything I needed even before I knew what it was, arranged my doctor’s appointments, filled out my college application form, found me a law firm where I could start working, etc.
On one hand I felt lucky and thought this is what normal life is supposed to be. On the other hand, I constantly felt useless. I formed the belief that I’m not capable of doing anything on my own, therefore I was terrified of losing my parents. I felt worthless and I didn’t think I was smart enough, determined enough, or had any natural talent at anything, I was miserable”
Limiting Beliefs
If you’ve been around for a while in the coaching world, you probably heard the term limiting belief.
Limiting beliefs are negative statements about our reality that originate from experiences and events, mostly from our childhood. These beliefs, which we totally buy into, drive our behavior and choices as adults in a very powerful manner. For example: if your Mom had 7 husbands while she was raising you, you might subconsciously develop the belief that marriage is a joke and no man can be trusted. As a result, you never happen to have a meaningful romantic relationship with another human being although you’re 40+.
Simply put, limiting beliefs are the ones that hold us back from a better life.
The single biggest myth about limiting beliefs
There is a vast literature discussing how limiting beliefs are formed, as well as how to identify and overcome them. Low self esteem, the inability to have long lasting relationships, or the distrust of other people are considered the very results of our underlying limiting beliefs.
It also seems to be a common knowledge that most of our limiting beliefs are coming from our parents. From parents who themselves are similarly controlled by their own beliefs. Before you call your parents right now, berating them for the lack of their parenting skills and ruining your life, let me unveil the single biggest myth about limiting beliefs.
Many of our limiting beliefs are actually coming from GOOD PARENTING!
I will let that sink in for a minute. Read Kayla’s story again.
“My parents loved me to the moon and back and did everything for me”.
“I formed the belief that I’m not capable of doing anything on my own. I felt worthless”.
What can you learn from this?
If you’re a parent:
Be aware of your own limiting beliefs and make sure you don’t impose them on your own children. Let your kids be who they truly are. Do not let them think anything else than they are enough, because they are who they are. Make sure you show them your unconditional love and acceptance in every situation. Trust them that they are capable of doing everything they set their mind to.
If you’re a child:
Accept your parents fully the way they are. Don’t try to change them or their limiting beliefs. You cannot change how they think or what they do, but there is always a choice of how you respond to an event. Forgive them for not being perfect all the time and accept the fact that they were doing the best they could in every minute of your childhood.
If you’re a spouse:
Identify your and your partner’s limiting beliefs. Talk about them. Be kind and patient with each other. Try to understand where your belief systems are coming from and what shaped that in your childhood. Together you can become a better, stronger and more loving couple once you do some work around identifying your limiting beliefs.
And finally, keep in mind:
Before you can achieve your life goals, whether it is in your career, relationship or health, first you must do some inner work to get a greater clarity about yourself. Find out where your habits, fears and beliefs are coming from. Think about why you view yourself and the world the way you do.
