Have you ever wondered how do successful people deal with rejection and setbacks? Most of us, when something bad happens, automatically get emotional and feel awful, sad, disappointed, or angry (the list is endless).
When something good happens, on the other hand, we’re experiencing great joy, happiness, gratitude or inspiration (this list is endless too).
How do we know if something that just happened is good or bad?
Why we think the way we think
Those of you who are familiar with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) may know that it’s never the event itself (e.g. getting fired) that causes our emotions, but rather our thinking about what happened (“Oh my god, this is a disaster, I won’t be able to pay my mortgage”). It is always our thoughts that dictate how we feel about (i.e. embarrassed and stressful) and how we respond to a situation (curling up on the sofa crying).
If the mind interprets the story as “bad”, we’ll most likely feel terrible about it and respond negatively or ineffectively. Similarly, if the brain considers the event “good”, we will be happy to experience it and to find the best way to move forward.
What rejection feels like in real life
It’s easy to understand why people feel devastated when they lose their pet or why they are on cloud nine during their honeymoon. But is it possible that different people’s brain perceives the same story differently? Let’s look at rejection, for example.
For many of us, one of life’s most negative and lousy feelings is being rejected. Social acceptance is critical, because as tribe people, our survival has depended on it for millions of years. And our brain still remembers those tough times when rejection was equal to death.
I’m sure that you, too, have experienced rejection at some point in your life. Anyone who lived through high school knows what rejection feels like. Maybe you were also excluded from lunch with co-workers, failed to land your dream job or were dumped by a romantic partner.
Yes, rejection hurts. You feel beaten. It’s paralyzing. But is it as hurtful for everyone?
Is it possible that some people consider the generally negative event of rejection devastating while others label it as a “who cares” thing?
What rejection means for successful people
When I was taking a graduate course on success, I did some research and read a lot about the lives and personality traits of highly successful people. The most interesting thing I found out, is that they all have this one thing in common. Their emotional response to rejection is completely different from the average person’s reaction.
Unlike the average person, highly successful people’s minds don’t interpret rejection as either good or bad. Rather they think of it as a neutral thing. And because they don’t look at rejection as a negative event with potentially devastating consequences, they don’t let that hold them back from marching forward. Their eyes remains on the prize and they are achieving extremely huge goals.
Rejection fires them up and they choose to respond to it with even greater force, determination and commitment to their goals.
When successful people face rejection, they shrug it off and go on.
Did you know these facts about successful people?
- J.K. Rowling’s original ‘Harry Potter’ pitch was rejected 12 times?
- Abraham Lincoln tried to start up several businesses, all of which failed. Also, before becoming president, he lost several runs for public office?
- Henry Ford failed and went broke five times before he succeeded?
- Thomas Edison was fired from his first two jobs for being non-productive. As an inventor, he made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb?
- Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor because “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas” . He also went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland?
- Steven Spielberg was rejected from the University of Southern California School of Theater, Film and Television three times?
How many times could you endure rejection without going home with your tail between your legs?
How to overcome negative thinking
Because I’m all about giving my clients, as well as my blog readers, the practical tools they can use to change their life, I made a list of the things you can do the next time you experience any type of rejection.
- Stop for a second or two and analyze the situation (i.e. your business partner wants you out of the business)
- Don’t let yourself act on your emotions and feelings immediately (i.e. feeling hurt, becoming fearful and calling your lawyer while sobbing and telling everyone how this moron is ruining your life)
- Increase your awareness to your automatic thoughts (I always get defensive and say things I will later regret)
- Challenge your negative thinking by saying “I choose to see this event as an opportunity to grow” or “I can deal with this”
- Find a silver lining in the situation (i.e. I always wanted to start my own business anyway, this must be the time to do that)
- List the pros and cons; try to think as many as you can on both sides and you’ll see that if you really wanted to, the positive will outnumber the negative
- Surround yourself with people who instead of worsening your situation, will support you in a positive and forward looking way
My advice
Look at rejection as a test of your commitment to achieving your goal.
If rejection holds you back from pursuing your dream career, or finding your dream partner, or starting your own online business, it means that you weren’t committed enough to your goal to reject rejection. If this is the case, go and find your real purpose and your true dream goal. Once you have it, be prepared to be rejected.
Learn to love rejection. As soon as you accept it and don’t consider it either good or bad, it loses its power over you. Bounce back when it happens. Never take no for an answer.
If you don’t reject yourself, no one else can.
