In 2016, I landed my first public servant position. I was over the moon. I just got a job for which most people would give an arm and a leg. These would have been their ultimate success goals. Having a steady paycheque, health and dental coverage and an attractive pension plan is the epitome of success for my parents and most of my friends. I worked at this highly regarded job for years all the while becoming increasingly overwhelmed and exhausted.
From the outside, my life looked desirable, I had a meaningful job, made good money, and achieved ambitious career goals. Deep inside though I was unhappy and unfulfilled.
I kept asking myself what’s wrong with me. Why I felt unhappy when I was doing everything I was supposed to do to achieve success?
Then one day that metaphorical light bulb went off in my head and I realized:
These are not my career goals. I’m chasing other people’s version of a successful career.
What is Success?
The word success comes from the 16th Century Latin word “succedere” meaning “come close after”, which later evolved to the word “successus” which means “advance, a good result, and a happy outcome”.
To me, success is a happy state of mind when I do what I meant to do and be good at it. My career goal is to help people achieve great success in their careers while they feel happy and fulfilled.
So, what are these two components of success?
The Two Sides of Success
According to G. Richard Shell, professor at Wharton School, every success has two faces. An outer face that is visible to the world and an inner face that is hidden from others, only you can see it.
The outer face of success, what others can see, is all about achievements, career, recognition, money, and status. This is what the media covers, magazines celebrate, and what people get awards for.
And there is another face of success that is invisible to the outside world. This face, the inner face, is about feelings like fulfillment and happiness. It cannot be measured by external markers like achievements or money, only you feel satisfied when you have it.
Both components are required to success. The reason why most people who are obsessive about money and achievement don’t always feel happy or successful is that they confuse success with money, power, or status. They don’t realize that the other side is missing.
True success happens when we integrate and balance the outer and inner sides of success, based on our own needs and desires.
Disappointment: The Price We Pay for Chasing Other People’s Success Goals
Dr. Richard Bandler, the inventor of NLP, holds that “disappointment takes adequate planning”. I couldn’t agree more. People who spend their best effort, money and time on chasing other people’s version of a successful life or career, deliberately plan to be disappointed.
When we try to achieve other people’s goals, it is an illusion what we chase rather than a goal. If we aren’t careful what we wish for, we can easily end up getting what we were chasing and being disappointed when it doesn’t feel all that good. It doesn’t, because of the inner conflict between what we truly want versus what we think we should want.
When you ignore your own version of success, fulfillment and happiness usually elude you.
Not to mention that chasing other people’s goals is exhausting. It takes a toll on someone’s mental and emotional health.
Create Your Own Version of Success: Balancing achievement and happiness
So how do you know if you chase other people’s success goals? If you notice that you easily lose enthusiasm, motivation and stamina at what you do and even more easily become irritated, overwhelmed, anxious, dissatisfied, and sometimes even angry, chances are you are performing tasks that you don’t want to. You aren’t doing something that makes you happy and fulfilled, but working toward someone else’s version of success.
Here are three exercises that can help you start creating your own version of success today:
1.Think about the biggest irritant in your current life. Don’t overthink it, just write down the first thing that comes to your mind. Is it your career path, current job, getting or not getting married, raising a family or not having kids at all, eating uncontrollably or being on a restrictive diet, maybe it is your salary or the lack of certain qualification or inflexible workhours? What are the things you want to change?
2.Imagine you won the lottery. Write down on a piece of paper what you’d actually do if money wasn’t a problem for you. Maybe you would want to sign up for a course, go to college, work in a different industry, start your own small business, provide pro bono legal advice for people in your community, work in a developing country or get involved with politics. Be as specific as possible, don’t use vague statements like “I want to be famous”. If this is what you want, explain in details how you want to be famous, and doing what.
3.Reframing your career goals: Now it’s time to fine-tune your personal success goals in a way that they will give you the maximum satisfaction, happiness and fulfillment (inner side of success). Be precise and refine these goals based on your own needs, desires and current circumstances.
I’ll show you how to reframe some of these success goals in the table below, feel free to complete it with your own.
| Other’s version of success might be | Your version of success |
|---|---|
| Making millions of dollars | Making enough money to take care of myself and my family and do the things I love |
| Saving for buying a Porsche | Saving for buying a reliable car and not spending half of my salary on car repair |
| Being world-famous | Being well respected and loved by my family, friends, colleagues, and clients |
| Becoming the best coach in Canada and in the world | Becoming the best life coach for my clients |
| Building a social media fanbase in the millions | Having engaged followers on social media, however many |
| Being the CEO of a big company | Challenging yourself at work, or applying for a position that you are qualified for |
| Changing the lives of millions | To make a difference in the lives of people who are close to you |
| Receiving thousands of compliments from strangers | Receive one meaningful thank you from a person who I helped |
| Own a global enterprise | Run a small, local business |
| Solve world hunger | Make a documentary on how hunger affects the everyday life of school-age children in your country |
Chasing other people’s version of a successful life will never bring true happiness and fulfillment. Not for me, not for you.
When I left my government job, I started working as a career success coach. Doing that I realized that my own truly authentic, goal is to work with individuals and help them achieve great career success while feeling happy and fulfilled.
