Have you ever experienced any of the following scenarios? If they seem even remotely familiar, chances are that you too fear judgment:
- Gives you a panic attack just to think about introducing your fiancé to your extended family
- Makes you nauseous when you’re about to tell your friends that you quit your (high paying) job and plan on starting your dream business
- It gives you the creeps to step up and talk in front of a crowd
- You think million times which photo of you should be posted on social media. (The one in which you look flawless or the other one that captured the moment but you look bloated.)
One of the biggest fears people experience every day is the fear of judgment, in other words, fear from other people’s opinions (OPO) or fear of criticism.
Living with a constant fear of judgment can have a huge, paralyzing impact on our lives.
Silver lining: with our thinking alone we can free ourselves from the crappy feeling of the fear of judgment.
The Biology of the Human Brain
Let me start with a biology lecture about the most fascinating human organ: the brain.
The human brain consists of three large areas, the reptilian brain, the limbic system, and the neocortex. Well, it has many more parts, of course, but these three are essential for now to make my point.
Our oldest brain, the reptilian brain is responsible for basic bodily functions and instincts. Including the Flight, Fight, Freeze response that is meant to keep us alive whenever we get into a dangerous situation.
The limbic system, also known as the paleomammalian brain, is our emotional brain, responsible for our emotions and creating memories.
The neocortex is the newest addendum of the human brain. It is also called the executive or analytical brain, which is responsible for focused attention, self-control, compassion, free will, and JUDGMENT. By judgment, I mean judging the weather if it is okay to go out for hunting or judging the height of a cliff to see if it is safe to jump off.
The History of the Human Brain
Although Homo sapiens have been around for about 200,000 years, our modern-shaped human brains, researchers say, have only come into existence about 40,000 years ago. It has only shown subtle changes since then.
I give you a minute to process this information.
The brain you have in your head, biologically speaking, is 40,000 years old.
I think we can agree on the fact that life 40,000 years ago was slightly different than it is now.
40 millennia ago, we developed behaviors, such as carving tools, planning, developing self-awareness, languages, and even the first cave drawings.
Today, we use the very same brain to navigate our hectic, expectation fatigued, and technology driven lives.
There is one critically important information about your brain, which is key to understand why you often feel that your brain works against you, rather than for you:
The human brain is not designed to make us happy. It is designed to keep us alive. And given the fact that unlike dinosaurs, humanity hasn’t gone extinct yet, it’s doing a damn good job.
The Psychology of Fear of Judgment
Forty thousand years ago, when this modern brain came into existence, we lived in tribes.
Life vs. Death
Being part of a community or a group of people meant survival. Being expelled from our community was equal to death. This simple: Life vs. Death.
The concept of ostracism, which originates in the culture of ancient Greece, means exclusion from a society or group.
The rules of ostracism were simple: if the majority of the voting citizens considered someone (mostly politicians) too dangerous to the public interest, they forced the person to live in exile for many years. The ostracized person either left the community or was executed.
For centuries, people who were ostracized based on the judgment of the majority of the group were threatened by annihilation.
You can see how the fear of being judged has been imprinted in our brains early on.
One got to fit in and behave well in the community they were born (or married) into in order to have greater chances to stay alive. Being different and rocking the proverbial boat was too dangerous.
Hence, individuals have gone to great lengths to avoid being judged, criticized, and essentially being ostracized by the group that guaranteed their own and the species survival.
I can see why this fear was useful and how it served humanity well back then.
Although ostracism is not a matter of life or death anymore, our 40,000 years old brains still believe that judgment equals death.
That is why it has been so important to fit in the mold, to be the same, to be accepted and acknowledged by others.
Essentially, we chase other’s approval in order to feel safe and loved.
How to live a Fearless Life
The fear of other’s judgment is a common fear for a lot of my coaching clients.
They say it underlies their everyday thoughts and behaviors. They feel like being locked in a jail cell of their own making, therefore they cannot be truly themselves. They are always conscious of what others might say about them.
People who fear from other’s judgment are often the biggest critics of themselves.
Let me give you a personal example: When I first moved to Canada, I was very conscious of my Hungarian accent and my limited English language skills.
I worked very hard to improve my academic English, yet I often felt embarrassed or even dumb when I wasn’t able to articulate myself in a sophisticated way.
My fear was that I wouldn’t be able to land at a high-paying job because people will judge me for my accent.
Even when I started my coaching business, I was afraid of what my clients would say if they hear me talk. This has always been in the back of my mind. I acted upon this fear whenever I opened my mouth.
What will others think of me if they hear my accent?
In reality, no one ever judged me for my accent. On the contrary. I am often admired for speaking English almost like a native speaker.
People around me are often floored when I say that 15 years ago, I spoke very little English. And my clients? Not only don’t they judge me, but they also hold me in high regard for being a no-nonsense talker who is practical and serious, gets straight to the point, and only interested in doing what is necessary to achieve what is intended.
So here is some food for thought for you:
- Realize that judgment doesn’t equal death. You’ll survive if some of your family members don’t approve of your career choices, the person who you chose as your life partner, the way you live your life, or how you raise your child. You’ll survive!
- Keep in mind that not everyone judges you. In reality, you are the biggest judge of yourself. Hardly anyone else is interested in your life and I can guarantee you, no one else is interested in your life to the extent as you are.
- Count on the important people in your life whose honest opinions matter. Their opinions most likely come from a place of love and acceptance. Don’t pay attention to the unsolicited advice of unimportant people.
- Don’t take criticism seriously and more importantly don’t let that hold you back from being truly yourself.
How to stop being fearful of judgment:
- Stop judging yourself. Be aware of you doing this and make a conscious effort to interrupt your own thought pattern.
- Don’t chase other people’s approval. Way too many people are in your life. It’s a mission impossible to live a life that is satisfactory for each and every one of them.
- Come to terms with the fact that you’ll probably be judged no matter what you do, say, or look like. Realize that the judgment of others has very little, if any, impact on your life.
- Surround yourself with people to whom you don’t have to justify anything you do because they accept you the way you are.
- Live a happy life — someone who lives an authentic life and radiates happiness makes it hard for others to judge (They make it easy to envy, but that’s a different story).
